Ignorance is bliss

Ignorance is Bliss (Photo credit: Chi sin Gweilo)

He called his family last night. It was a skype call so despite trying to give him his privacy there are only so many doors I can close in this house in an attempt to block out his deep voice talking loudly at a computer screen – or the high pitched voices coming back. I always get emotional hearing his mother, so happy to hear from him, missing him, worrying about him…and hearing his monotone voice replying and saying nothing overly caring in return. Its heartbreaking. But last night it was emotional for a different reason.

He usually avoids calling his sister, they don’t usually get on, however last night they had a chat and I heard them laughing and joking with each other and I have to say it stung a bit. Not because I heard the old him coming out…but because these 2 women are blissfully unaware of whom they are really talking to…and I miss that!

These women miss the shit out of him, they cant wait to have him home; they ask how married life is going and he says the same every time ‘yeah it’s a going’ (with a chuckle on the end) which in turn is met with concerned questions and replies of ‘aww I know its hard…it’s a big change…’ IF ONLY THEY KNEW!

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know the truth because then I could be as happy as they are…and at the same time knowing that it’s a lie…it just reminds me of the times that we would have skype calls and he would laugh with me like that…and all of it was fake. Its such a painful realisation, its confusing being jealous of something you know isn’t real.

I wish I could call them and ask what the fuck went on when he was younger but morally I know its wrong and it wouldn’t help anything, all it would do is make them wonder why and make him trust me even less. But still I wish I could, to ask, to know and to let them know that I am not the reason he’s sounding miserable or the reason that he doesn’t talk much…I am not the one who has changed him.

The same goes for his friends. NO ONE knows any of the stuff we are going through; only a handful of people I know know…and of course they don’t know EVERYTHING and never will but it annoys me to think that his friends, the ones who knew him before he knew me are probably sat around at every event he decides not to go to and blaming me for changing him. Talking to each other about how things were before he met me, or how miserable I’ve made him by stopping him seeing his friends (I didnt)…because of course when we DO see them he puts on his happy act and I feel sick again.

He acts around friends, around my family, around HIS family…but he’s himself around me and I know I know its good that he’s not acting to me anymore and that he trusts me enough to be himself and confess all of this to me…but I still come off looking worse…and I still get jealous. Who wants to see their husband happier than ever around other people? – even if it IS fake? It still hurts. Even knowing that its not real, its so convincing that you just feel like the boring one, like the one who’s draining him every other day…even more so when he’s managing to have a nice (hilariously funny) conversation with the sister whom he cant stand to talk to! Its not my place to tell any of these people anything about him but I still have to answer to his friends about where I’ve been hiding him and why we don’t go out…I still have to lie…to cover for him and its horrible.

Of course he’s never ASKED me to lie for him but its not like I can say…’actually we have both been in therapy because his past is fucked up and he’s dragged me into it and lived a lie his entire life…consequently hanging out with people and lying to their faces on a regular basis hasn’t been top of my list of things to do so…you know how it is…’ – god I’d LOVE to say that lol.

I just cant stand the thought of people ‘blaming’ me for this stuff, it doesn’t seem fair to have to just lay down and take it for the sake of my husbands confidence/embarrassment/shame… If we split up and his friends asked him what happened all he would say is that ‘it didn’t work out’ …but that’s missing a massive chunk of what IT is…but he would never tell them. Its MY name being dragged through the mud and I don’t like it.

Which got me thinking. IF anything ever happened to me (not saying I think he’s going to kill me or I’m planning to kill myself lol) BUT in the future…if you see on the news that a bunch of Americans living in Britain came and kidnapped little old Beth to save their friend…or that I got hit by a low flying jet or something…can someone PLEASE stick up for me? You know, hunt my husbands friends or family down …or just the newspaper…and send them the link to my first blog post on here? Just so they know what REALLY happened.

I suppose Pete would be the best one for the job really seeing as he knows me and the ‘original’ me so it wouldn’t be too hard to see who I tweet regularly on the original and work your way backwards. No one knows I have this blog – except one person I know in real life (hi Stig btw)- so if anything happened to me then no one would ever know the truth…and that idea scares me…especially as at this rate it would probably say ‘ding dong the bitch is dead’ on my headstone lol. I will take this to my grave…but after that theres nothing stopping the world from knowing is there?

xBx

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